juliloquy

Mortivity hijinks

I have always loved being the youngest (of 3) in my family for lots of reasons, but one hilarious aspect is the difference between my nativity set and my siblings'. They both have completely matched sets that were given to them brand new. I  had mismatched hand-me-downs. 

To redeem my parents, I must point out that my dad lovingly handcrafted and painted a triangular stable out of a fruit crate and I will keep that for always. A few years ago, they also gave me a lovely set that they had first given to my grandparents, which my mom bought when she was a graduate student in Chicago in the late fifties. When I got our Christmas things out this year, however, I realized that my old figurines need to go. To say a proper goodbye, I have lovingly photographed each one (click on them if you would like to embiggen).

This sad little donkey makes Eeyore seem like the life of the party. You'd be depressed, too, if you had a chipped ear, a reglued head, and a freaking topiary fusing to your legs.

 

The wise men look like they could use a stiff drink. Insert joke about them being late because they wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

"Sheep without a face / such an ovine waste / your sheep without a face."

The babe in the manger. Thanks to a stress fracture (not pictured), you can now pull the hay out from behind his shoulders to give a hovering effect. The first miracle? This baby Jesus has always been a source of levity for us (heh), because we used to act out dramas with our nativity sets. (Yes, we were the Flanders family. Shut up.) My siblings' Jesi were removable from their mangers, but mine is shellacked in place. So in the episode when the baby Jesuses ran away, theirs could hop right out, whereas mine had to haul his manger on his back like a turtle.

Some poachers must have mistook the cow for a rhino, and the missing-eared calf looks like a bovine prototype of Bib Fortuna.

Finally, we get to the holy parents. Joseph must have made one too many comments about Mary's weight.

 Then again, maybe I should keep these figures around for a while. I can blend them with my kids' nativity sets (purchased for them by my parents) for entirely new scenarios.

Herod: "Salome, I present you the head of Joseph the Carpenter."

Salome: "You idiot! I specifically said 'JOHN THE BAPTIST'! Really? Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?"

motto

This framed art is hanging in my bathroom.

 

"I rejoice in life for its own sake."

 —George Bernard Shaw

 

"(to laugh often and much;

to win the respect of

intelligent people and the

affection of children; to

leave the world a better place;

to know even one life

has breathed easier

because you have lived.)"

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

It's a greeting card that my parents sent me a decade ago. I finally got around to finding a drab-but-size-appropriate frame for a buck-fiddy at Goodwill, masking-taped that bad boy, and then had my 8-year-old son paint the frame with shiny lime green nail polish.* Crafty!

*The color of the frame doesn't really come through in the photo. You'll have to visit my bathroom if you want to see it in all its glory.

and a beer

This story keeps rattling around in my brain, and then I remembered I had a blog and could put it here.

One of the places I lived in Minneapolis was a cute one-bedroom apartment on First Ave. South and 40th Street (here). The building had twelve apartments, four on each floor, and I was just getting to know some new neighbors. One hot day, I arrived home at the same time as the two women across the hall, so, well-intentioned extrovert that I am, I invited them in for a beer. (Look at funky urban me—my twentysomething self was saying—befriending the lesbians!) (Yes, I was that asshole who found cred in token friendships.) The less-gregarious of the two hesitated, but the friendlier one said SURE!

When I looked in the fridge, much to my chagrin, I discovered that it contained only one (1) beer. I was mortified. What would Miss Manners do in this situation? Heaven forbid I make my guests feel uncomfortable about drinking my last beer . . . so I poured the beer into two (2) glasses and delivered it to my guests without comment. I must have served myself some water or lemonade. We had a moderately awkward conversation as they drank their [collective] beer. I didn't, of course, offer another.

We didn't have occasion to hang out much after that, and I moved out of the apartment within a year. If the same thing were to happen today, I would make some oops sort of comment, laugh at myself, and propose the split-beer solution, but then I was still new to adulthood, fumbling my way through social situations. I wonder if they still talk about the time their odd neighbor invited them in for one shared beer.

so you see what we're dealing with here

A multiple-choice quiz to give you a small glimpse of life with da Roo.

1. You ask her to go to her room to put on her pajamas. She returns ten minutes later wearing

    a. her pajamas

    b. nothing

    c. the same thing she was wearing previously, plus a birthday hat

    d. princess dress-up clothes

 

2. With whom do the "gooey pahnov goo" hawks roam?

    a. the littlest pets

    b. the watch-out plants

    c. Lovey, the swimming/flying dinosaur

    d. all of the above

 

3. Who/what is seven?

    a. her brother's age

    b. the name of one of her favorite songs

    c. the name of Lovey's pet cat

    d. all of the above

 

4. At school, she has shown true leadership by

    a. getting many of the other kids to "play bird" and "take dirt baths" during recess.

    b. mastering the art of dry transfer and rolling up and restoring the work rug.

    c. starting her own salon and giving actual haircuts to two classmates.

    d. reproducing aminal sounds.

 

5. Words we hope she never learns to pronounce correctly . . . at least for a few more years

    a. calapitter

    b. so'd (so that)

    c. burrtend

    d. all of the above

 

6. When at the kitchen table, Roo might

    a. use chopsticks to imitate a walrus, narwal, unicorn . . .

    b. make a diving board out of turkey bacon for the waffles to use to jump into their "muddle puddle" of syrup.

    c. be too busy talking/playing until an exasperated parent holds the piece of pizza directly in front of her face.

    d. all of the above

 

ANSWERS

1. c. . . . plus a birthday hat (although the others are likely as well)

2. b. the watch-out plants. I'm not exactly sure what these are, but according to da Roo, I don't want to know.

3. d. all of the above. Apparently, Seven [the cat] also has a younger sibling named Four.

4. a. . . . "take dirt baths" during recess. (sorry, classmates' parents!) You also get points for b—her rug-rolling skilz are top notch.

5. d. all of the above. We especially like "so'd" because she "caught" it from her brother, although he no longer says it.

6. d. all of the above. Her chopstick walrus is the absolute cutest.

 

my dinner with Shmooie

Several weeks ago, Shmooie surprised me by saying "sometime I'd like to go somewhere, just you and me. Maybe to grab a bite to eat or something." (He has already mastered the art of romantic-yet-casual date-asking! Ready for college!) We finally got around to our night out last week. When I asked him where he'd like to go, he said, "there's this store? Where you can get food and eat it there or take it home? I think we've only been there once, but there's one near Grandpop and Bubbe's house." I figured out what he was talking about -- a new-to-Frederick regional upscale grocery store. We went there right after school.

  be still my heart

We had a perfectly upper middle class suburban evening.

Guess whose box is whose?
(Hint: the only green thing Shmooie consumed was the "mint chip" milk.)

Shmoo discovered a kids' seating area within which the Disney channel was playing, so it was kind of like dinner theatre. I was glad I always pack something to do in my purse.

22 across: MINOT! I believe this is the first time I've ever seen my hometown as a crossword clue.

After we ate, Shmoo helped with the grocery shopping.

And learned how the sticker-printing scales work while getting some special treats.

 

HPR and Roo had their own fun time at home, baking a double batch of cookies and Roo getting a bath all by herself. So a nice time all around!

I have a draft post about Shmoo's 7th birthday, but in the likelihood that it will never get published, here is a photo of the first annual punkin' chunkin event that was part of the early November festivities.

Put a post up on your dumb blog already

Heya. School has started! Shmoo began first grade on August 29th.

His best friend and one other student from last year's class are with him. I got a really cute picture of the three of them, but I don't want to post it w/o the other mom's permission. But here is when Shmoo and Alicia found each other on the first day.

 

Roo began preschool on August 31. She has Shmoo's teacher from last year (mixed-age 3s, 4s, and kindergarten). Whereas Shmoo still goes through 4-5 cycles of kiss/hug/"I love you"s, Roo heads into her classroom with nary a backward glance.

Also in the photo above is our new-to-us car, Steffi. This is what happened to poor Bucky the Saturn this past summer.

Bucky's the one in the front. The four of us were OK (as was the driver of the other car, except for a badly sprained ankle) and we kept a memento of Bucky (photo comes in landscape for some mysterious Typepad reason).

We did a lot of fun stuff over the summer. I'll leave with a cute kid photo from Shenandoah.

Just in time for my birthday.

Got this in a Money Mailer® yesterday. People, you have got to click to embiggen.

A coupon. From a cemetery Memorial Garden.

I just.

So, the coupons have no expiration date! (HPR: "Even though YOU do!")

I have no idea what a "Complimentary Emergency Space" is, but I can imagine - you're heading out the door to attend to your Cemetery Emergency. "Wait!" you think, "I forgot the coupon!"

If anything happens to me, you'll find the coupon on our bulletin board by the fridge. I prefer cremation.

more nativity hijinks

I have chronicled past adventures of our crèche figurines. This morning, Roo asked me to help her put her baby Jesus into a perfect-scale VW bus.

"I've gotta split, Ma. Nice threads, Wise brothers."

And a close-up:

"Prince of Peace out."

Oh come all ye faithful (you don't have to leave your car)

Saw this in the paper (click to embiggen).

Really, Maryland? A Drive-Through nativity scene?

Shepherds dropped what they were doing and herded their sheep through the sleepy streets of Bethlehem to see a little baby. Wise men traveled hundreds of miles through the desert by camel to set eyes on the Prince of Peace. And you can't leave the comfort of your freakin' car?

Bideo

About a year ago, HPR and I got sucked into watching What Would Jesus Buy? (I had clicked on a link, not realizing it was a full-length video.) It was great. So if you have 91 minutes to spare, see below.

 

If you only have a minute and 47 seconds, then watch this: